Reports from a crack team of reporters, lawyers, researchers, and forensic analysts sent by the Barack Obama campaign to Alaska to properly vet little known vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin filtered in late Tuesday. They paint a chilling portrait of a disturbed woman who is not ready to assume the Presidency should John McCain be run over by a pie wagon or bored to death by Keith Olbermann.
"Sarah was always a strange little girl," opined Harriet Nelson, Sarah Palin's second grade teacher. "If I remember correctly, she used to chew on crayons. Her parents always ostentatiously bought her the big 128 crayon box so she could lord it over the other kids. I still shiver when I remember the way those silver and gold lumps of wax used to cling to her teeth-- not the front ones, she had lost those. She always colored the sky pink in all her pictures. I recommended her for special counseling, but her father used his influence to stop it. I still think if she had received proper counseling, she might have turned out normal."
Edward Haskell, an unemployed interior decorator now living in Skagway told an even more sordid story concerning Ms. Palin's school days. "I used to drop my pencil on the floor all the time to look up Sarah's skirt when we were in the 5th grade in Mrs. Cleaver's class," said the sorrowful Haskell. "She always pretended like she didn't notice, but I could tell she was enjoying it. That's the kind of girl she was. The one day, just out of the blue, she belted me on the head with that great big notebook she always carried around. It hurt. It hurt real bad. I sincerely believe that was what activated my gay gene. Things never went well for me after that. I drifted from school to school, job to job, occasionally picking up work decorating the odd hunting cabin, but I can safely say she turned my life into a grim, nihilistic nightmare from which I may never awake. Do you know Anderson Cooper?"
"If it wasn't for her dad, Sarah would never have been the point guard on the Wasilla basketball team," stated Helen Crump, a teacher now living in Mayberry, North Carolina. "She was really crummy at the pick and roll, if you ask me. She wouldn't pass, either, a real ball hog. I did like it when she would try to penetrate and some big Eskimo girl would hack her good. She missed about half the time at the free throw line, too. She just thought she was such hot stuff."
Other serious allegations concerning Ms. Palin have emerged. Rick Nelson, a high school sweetheart, alleges that the McCain's laughable pick for Vice President wore ugly shoes to the prom. Spring Byington, a long term resident of Wasilla, recounted an incident wherein Ms. Palin cut in front of her in the line at Walmart. Theodore Cleaver, a high school classmate, says he never really liked her much because she just thought she was soooooo popular.
"Clearly," said Bill Maher, because that is what he does, "Ms. Palin has about as much business being President as I do pretending to be a political analyst. Ms. Palin has left a string of wrecked psyches, frustrated basketball players, and existential wanderers in a meaningless cosmos in her wake. You can put lipstick on a warthog, but it is still a warthog."
Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.
This is a satirical article. Anyone who comments on the factuality of this article will be shot.
In reply to: Another moronic hit piece on Sarah Palin by Hunter.