Five Reasons Sarah Palin is a Terrorist

Progressives who are much smarter than you and not afraid to say so are terrified that Sarah Palin, whose paltry resume includes being a mayor and the governor of Alaska, may be elected Vice President of the United States and be only a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

Here are five reasons why:

1. She is a Christian. There is something about Christians that terrifies progressives who are much smarter than you and not afraid to admit it. Christians, having the capacity for both preaching and public hymn singing, should be expelled from any and all public office because Thomas Jefferson once wrote a private letter to the Danbury Baptists that suggested a wall of separation between church and state. It is acceptable for Christians to go to their churches and speak about moral issues where no one but Christians will hear them and they can do no damage. If a Christian woman has the effrontery to actually run for office on an agenda based on Christian morals and values she must be stopped using any means available, including the suggestion that she faked giving birth to a child that is really her adolescent daughter's.

2. She is a Creationist. Progressives who are much smarter than you and not afraid to admit it know that all Christians believe that the universe was created in seven days and that the earth is 6000 years old. This belief is called Intelligent Design. They are much too smart to buy into the false notion that Intelligent Design is the teleological analysis of living things, primarily because they have never bothered to look up the word teleological. They have no need to because they know that if evidence of design is detected in living things, that implies a designer. They sensibly assume that if design was detected in living things, the public school system would collapse from the influx of Christian wackos who would, predictably, inundate the school system with preaching, hymn singing, and other unsavory practices. That certainly is not science. Science is the notion that the universe happened because it happened and there is no reason to inquire why it happened because it happened and we have sound evidence that it did. Governor Palin suggested that both Intelligent Design and Evolution be discussed in classrooms, certainly a dangerous thing to do. We cannot have students actually discussing and evaluating ideas in public schools. There mere thought of it ignites terror in the hearts of progressives who are much smarter than you and not afraid to admit it.

3. She believes that marriage should be between a man and a woman. Progressives who are much smarter than you and not afraid to say so are surprised that the American public is too stupid to understand that the right for same sex marriage was right there in the constitution all along and we just missed it. Anyone who disagrees with that salient fact is, most likely, a Christian, from Alaska, or otherwise mentally deficient. The constitution may only be read properly by people who have the uncanny ability to find meaning in text that was never there before. Governor Palin obviously lacks that faculty and is unfit for high office.

4. She was Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Wasilla, Alaska has a population of about 6000. Progressives who are much smarter than you and not afraid to admit it are terrified that the former mayor of a small town might become Vice President for good reason. People from small towns, by definition, have small town mentalities. The small town mentality is responsible for witch burnings, hangings, picnics, and the nefarious practices of preaching and public hymn singing. The mere thought of someone from a small town being involved in public policy is enough to make progressives who are much smarter than you and not afraid to say so pee their pants.

5. She has no foreign policy experience. Progressives who are much smarter than you and not a bit afraid to admit it realize that governors should concern themselves with foreign policy in case they are called on to be a Vice Presidential candidate. How a governor should gain foreign policy experience, since foreign policy is the domain of the federal government remains a mystery, but that does not stop them from being terrorized. Governor Palin should have set up a mini-state department in Alaska and used taxpayer money to visit Europe, Asia, and Africa to schmooze with various heads of state and see the sights. Instead, she sold the state-owned private jet she inherited from the former governor and turned the money over to the state. A woman who refuses to fly on private jets to foreign countries at tax-payer expense has no business being Vice President of the United States.

The above is satire.
Anyone railing about creationism, the Danbury Baptists, or Ebay will be summarily flogged.

This post replies to Elitists and Colonists , a thoughtful missive from someone referring to himself as Trapper John.